• There are 2 genders – male and female
• Your gender is mapped to your physical sex/anatomy

This is very hard for us who don’t feel that we map into this worldview all that well. I am somewhat envious of cultures that define a third (or fourth) gender – the Kathoey in Thailand, of the Waria and Tomboys in Indonesia, or the Fa’afafine in Samoa. Somehow, I feel like we’re missing something by not recognizing that physical sex is not equal to gender, and we’re losing something as a society.

I’ve accepted myself as transgendered for about three years, although I’ve suspected it in myself for my whole life. In this brief time I’ve watched people go from defining themselves as cross dressers to transsexuals (with one person going through that whole process, including surgery, in that time period). Trying to define myself as outside of the binary is very tough to explain to people.

What’s interesting is that it doesn’t matter if the person I’m talking to is transgendered or not. In fact, I’ve found that some of the toughest “sells” on this concept are transsexuals who have transitioned or in are the process of transitioning. I think it’s partly because they have committed themselves to this move from one point in the binary to the other and they might feel that the concept of a non-binary gender a challenge to their personal view or process. It’s not, it’s just another person’s view of themselves.

The binary has had the strange result of encouraging the medicalization of transgenderism. Yes, you can change your gender, but only after a lot of hours of therapy with a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist, plus working with an endocrinologist on a hormone replacement regimen, plus having a surgeon rework your genitalia. But what if you don’t want surgery? Or even hormones? I’d rather have neither “M” or “F” on my license, thank you – I want to just tell people who and what I am instead. Giving me a vagina doesn’t make me a woman – it’s what’s in my head that does.

So here I am, living my public life as an “M”, but with a fairly large amount of “F” in my soul. There are pressures on me to “get off the fence” and make a decision one way or the other. The pressure in our society is very strong. I don’t doubt for a minute that some people transition not because they feel that going from one gender to another is what they needed as much as they’re tired of trying to explain their gender mix and changing was the path of least resistance for them. That’s great. That might even be my future.

But it’s not my present. I am middle path (at least for now).

But I need to. I need to find some way to try to open up to others about things and how I feel.

And coming out is a big topic. I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination! I may even be less knowledgeable then most. But I’m going to try, yet again, to get things going on this front.

I’m working on a posting on more thoughts about how coming out has changed my life. It’s changed it in a big way. At some point, I need to rewrite my whole article on coming out to your spouse. I read it and I find things in there that make me cringe – it’s so out of date with how I think things are now. I’m all for openness, but I’m less inclined to push people to come out and more inclined to help people figure out who they need to come out to and why.

Right now, I’m out to my kids and wife. I’m also out to a lot of my kid’s friends, including my daughter’s boyfriend. Only my wife and kids have met Tina, though, and none of them will use that name for me.

Another thing that’s hard is that even though I see myself as having come out, I’m not really out all that far. I’m still hiding behind a firewall that separates Tina from my male life. I want to tear that wall down, but I also need to respect the wishes of my wife, who is still very scared. She has a lot of concerns, some more reasonable than others, but that’s normal. After all the time that I’ve been out, I still see a lot of injustice with how wives of transgendered women are treated.

And that’s another thing. I’m trying to also work in some activism into my life. We have a lot of issues we need to work on – the right to work regardless of our transgender status, the absurdity of how marriage laws in different states treat us differently. If I just stay on the sidelines, I side with those who would keep us in the shadows. After all, not taking action is taking action.

I don’t know how often I’ll be writing, but I’m going to put more effort into this. It’s a start of me trying to make a positive difference for us all (well, the only way that I’ve got at this point).

(And if you have any interest in transgender issues, the Trans-Ponder Podcast is definitely worth a listen.  Even though it started out mostly focused on transition, Mila and Jayna have expanded to covering other topics of interest to the transgender community, and they are starting an effort to promote transgender-owned and transgender-friendly businesses, which is something that is sorely needed.)

On various outlets there are articles about a male to female transsexual who is this year’s women’s Long-drive champ in golf.  I’m glad that she did well in the competition, but read through the comments left by other readers of this article.  I cannot believe the hatred, the bigotry, and the rudeness that is being written there.

Whatever happened to decency, decorum, and civility?  Or was it all just some collective delusion?

In the name of God, whether you celebrate Christmas, Chanukah, or whatever, can we just think about the messages we’re sending?  If we allow ourselves to hate someone who is different from us, where does it end?

I would like to ask any and all people of faith who are reading this to say a prayer for those who wrote those nasty and deragatory comments (and for those who bear anger at the lgbtq community as a whole) that they may someday shed their hate and learn tolerance for others.  And then pray for the lgbt community, that we can someday live without fear of verbal, written or physical attacks and be treated as full members of society.

In the words of Dave Allen, “Goodnight, thank you, and may your god go with you.”

When you come out to your wife/spouse/girlfriend after years of hiding, it’s a huge change for them.  So few people consider gender identity as anything other than tied to physical characteristics (okay, genitalia).  Your spouse probably has no idea what this means.  What your spouse needs is some time to understand this – not an infinite amount, but maybe a few weeks or a couple of months.

Realize that one of the things that will be hard is that she will probably not feel comfortable using her usual support system.  Most of them will have the same reference point as she does, but they will lack the direct connection to you that she has.  So you become the sole support system here.  She will want to talk with you about this, and that will be hard for you.  It’s not easy to start talking about this after years of keeping it under wraps, especially if you haven’t prepared to come out.

That’s okay.  What’s important is you start communicating.  Just be sensitive to her, and don’t get angry (hard) or frustrated (harder) or impatient (hardest).  She’s got trust issues and a lot of fear.  Is the marriage over?  Does it mean that you are gay, or that she might be gay?

When you come out, realize that if she has any reference points about this, it’s what she’s seen in the media – films, television, books, or the news.  Most of the media references often discuss transgender people as having made a “lifestyle choice” or something of that ilk, as if it’s yet another option for your life like whether you bring your own lunch to work or buy it at the cafeteria.  I know a lot of us would love it to be a choice (I used to be that way).

Another representation is common in movies – the crazed/psychopathic cross-dresser (think “Psycho”, “Dressed to Kill” or “Silence of the Lambs”).  Thankfully, this is usually easy to overcome, but it puts us on the defensive.

Another representation is the trans-person who preys on unsuspecting straight men or the transgender hooker (think of films like “Bachelor Party” or when transgender people are shown in current TV shows like “Law and Order” and “CSI”).  This is a lot harder to get around, because to many people sex and gender are tied together in one big knot. (And while there are statistics that say the majority of transgendered people are hetrosexual cross-dressers, even if true, group statistics don’t apply to individual situations).

And, finally, there’s the fetish dresser portrayal.  Let’s be honest – there ARE fetish dressers who get a thrill out of being cross-dressed when they have sex.  That might even be you.  The image of these people in the media is as perverts or wierdos, however, and it’s sad.  While this isn’t my “flavor” of transgenderism, what bothers me here is that it says a lot more about our society’s sexual and moral hang-ups than anything about the cross-dresser’s preferences or desires.  What’s wrong is that the dresser keeps it under wraps from the person they chose to spend their life with, because they’ve been made to think it makes them less of a person or is bad.

Back to your spouse – remember, she’s going through a lot.  She needs you to be at your best – caring, sensitive, loving.

Spouses have the hardest road to travel when a spouse comes out, especially after years of hiding and denial.  I wish there was some way for spouses to be able to find one another easily, so that more could share how they cope with the situation.

(And a plug for Helen’s efforts here – in addition to running her site, she also has a separate online group that she runs for spouses of transgendered people.  Even though I cannot join, I know how important this is.  Thanks, Helen!)

    Pray for their souls.

        And don’t forget the living.

Some links:

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Remember our Dead

So here’s a question for all you closeted (or semi-closeted) people out there – what can YOU do to help the cause?

Here are some suggestions:

• Do not “go along” with jokes that put down transgendered people (or gay or lesbian, or any other group).  There is acceptable humor, but you know when something is mean-spirited.  If you do not want to speak out to the person, leave.
• Find a way to contribute time or money to an organization that helps transgendered people, like a local transgender shelter or support group, or a national group, such as the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) or PFLAG: Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (a very transgender friendly organization) (and I bet there’s a PFLAG chapter in your area).
• Does your employer have an LGBT diversity organization?  Join it as an ally, and let them know that you have transgendered friends who’ve filled you in on the issues.
• Know the issues that transgender people are dealing with.  Read up on the employment discrimination issues, on the violence issues, etc.
• Whenever a transgender character is on a television show or in a movie, don’t be afraid to discuss it with whoever you are with.  Don’t be afraid to call out stereotypes, and praise things that you feel they got right.

To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, We must all hang together, else we shall most assuredly hang separately.